The dumb sh*t I did before I divorced. Part 1.

Updated: Sep 26, 2019


There are many dumb things we have done when we are going through the emotional rollarcoaster of life and while one would assume that we all stop doing dumb shit by the time we graduate college I am here to tell you that it isn’t true. Going through divorce is considered one of the top stressors in life, its up there with long-term illness, losing a job, and death of a loved one etc. I don’t feel that it is right to rank them in any order as there are so many factors that contribute to how much stress an individual might experience in each of these events. For example a death of a loved one will be incredibly shocking and traumatizing for someone when death is unexpected but for another person, it might be a welcome relief that a loved one is no longer suffering. I can only speak of stress from how I experienced it and how it impacted me and my life.

With all things considered, my divorce process really wasn’t difficult or stressful. But what came afterwards is the reason some experts say that it can take years to emotionally recover from. The subject of divorce is however going to be discussed in a future post. This post is discussing the dumb stuff I did before I the “D” word was dropped.


We are about to journey back 4years. I was 30yrs old and our sex life was stagnant. We had gone through the highs and lows of having two children and settling into our dream home when we finally came up for air and I realized we lost our relationship. When had the intimacy actually died? I have no idea, but we had happily danced around each other for years, coexisting but never really connecting. We were good partners, we were good parents, but we were not lovers. Did we still have sex occassionally? Yes we did. Maybe once every 2-3 wks, when it did happen it was a race to the finish line. I knew this could happen in relationships and I knew that we would have to make the conscious effort to change things.


However the first issue I came up against was my inability to communicate anything to my partner properly. I would either dance around the subject and he wouldn’t make the connection or I would come across too direct and blunt that it led to some performance anxiety on his part (more on that later). So I did what any type A woman does, I decided to take matters into my own hands, I decided to add spice back to the relationship.


Round 1: Be Naked

I have to start round 1 admitting that I have always had a high sex drive, I was the one that intiated sex and I was the one that seemed to “need it”. Prior to starting my spicing up attempt, I had attempted to suppress my sex drive. I would go to the gym almost daily to try to work off the excess energy, I figured exhausting myself in the gym would leave me little energy to want sex at night. This worked….in the short term...However in the long run, I got healthier and fitter and my sex drive increased dramatically.

I remember the day it started, I was just done with my workout and had showered at home, I was looking in the mirror and really noticing how toned I was becoming, I felt good and that turned me on as quickly as pushing a button. I decided to walk around the bedroom naked in nothing but heels, in my head I thought he would see me and my sexy legs and want to grab me and throw me on the bed and have his way with me. Instead he walked in the room with a slight confused look on his face and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was air drying (having just recently showered) and that I wanted to practice walking in heels because I wanted to start wearing heels to work again. His response was “ah, ok” and he laid down on the bed and pulled out…..his phone and started playing a game. BIG FAIL

I have to confess that, that incident was a knock to my self esteem, I walked over to my mirrored closet door and looked at my body. I wasn’t a big girl, my body was making a lot of progress, but it didn’t matter how hard I worked I would never be able to work off the signs that my body carried multiple pregnancies and so I figured that I just wasn’t desirable. I was never someone who suffered from self-esteem issues, so having the doubt enter my mind was probably the first crack.


Round 2: Be Pretty.

At one stage in my life I had two children under the age of 3, and I was not interested in putting on a pretty face. I would wake up, wash my face, and go to work. I came home, put on my mom hat, and at night I fell back into bed. When I decided I was going to prioritize my relationship again, one of the first things I did was start fixing my hair and doing my makeup. I wanted him to not see me as just a mom, but also as a woman, one that embraced her femininity and made an effort to look good.

Again this was acknowledged but not really noticed, He started telling me I looked pretty but it almost had an opposite effect as he didnt want to mess up my makeup. On a personal level, I did start feeling like my old self again, my confidence increased, I started smiling more, happier me became more positive me, so outwardly things in my life were getting better but unfortunatley my sex life still wasnt improving.

It wasn’t until a couple of years later that I realized that desire was more than skin deep, that attraction and connection had to continue once the lights went out. I couldn’t make my husband fall in lust with me just because I put on mascara or curled my hair, yes I looked good, but we were no longer teenagers ruled by our genitals, although mine still often is. We needed our minds to be stimulated first.

I wondered at that stage if losing the mom image was just too hard, maybe I had to get over the idea that we would ever be tearing each others clothes off again. Maybe everyone had evolved and I was the one that stayed in the past feeling desperate over not having a connection. Our relationship was still good, we were financially sound, we had easy kids, we enjoyed each other’s company. Maybe I just needed to be o.k being in a sexless marriage. According to an article in the New York Times of 21,000 married couples surveyed, almost 20% reported to having sex less than 10 times a year.

But the truth was, I wasn’t ready to quit yet and I must’ve googled “How to Spice up a Marriage.” Over 100 times, trying silly things but continuing to avoid having the hard conversation.


Round 3: Got a Piercing.

This was maybe my dumbest move. After subtly dropping hints that went unoticed, I figured nothing screams “look at my fucking pussy” more than a big ass stud directing his attention down there. So one of my smart/ not so smart ideas was to get my clit pierced...before anyone jumps up and says you can't get your clit pierced dummy...yes I know and I am getting to it. When I told my then husband of this, he seemed to get a little excited which of course confirmed in my head that while it wasn't the diamond ring I had wanted for our anniversary this could possibly be the ring that brings us back together, so began my research.

Firstly I found out that it is true, you cannot actually get your clitoris pierced but there are at least six other places you can. Lesson time...

Christina: This is a piercing through the skin of the mons pubis exiting where the outer labia comes to an apex. It’s not anatomically suitable for all females, as you would need a pronounced and pinchable skin at the top of your outer labia….also healing time is a bitch at 8 months.

Triangle: This piercing is great for anyone who can have it, why? Because it sits just below the clitoral hood behind the clitoris, giving great pleasure to its owner. Unfortunately it is not for everyone, anatomically you need a clitorial shaft that protudes away from the body so the jewelry can be placed underneath, also shape of your thighs can have an affect on your comfort level with this piercing. This is the one I would’ve gotten if my body was built the way it needed for this piercing. Unfortunately my cooch likes to play peekaboo between my muscular thighs and the discomfort would not have been worth the pleasure.

Vertical Clitorial Hood: This is the most popular of genital piercings, it’s aesthetically pleasing and has minimal recovery time (same day sex if you’re comfortable enough). Most women are built for this kind of piercing proving they have enough “hood” to pierce.

Horizontal Clitorial Hood: This one is great for the ladies that have smaller outer labias, it’s just as aesthetically pleasing as the VCH piercing and also heals very quickly.

Inner Labia: There are multiple placement options for this type of piercing depending on your mood and style. Healing time is fast but isn't recommended for those who my experience a lot of chafing in the area...cyclists and wearer of skinny jeans, I’m looking at you.

Outer Labia: Since this the outer area of your vagina, it will be subjected to the pressure of your thighs, if you like myself have thighs that could probably save lives (or at least cell phones while on the toilet), then this one isn’t recommended. Also fans of oral and rough play would want to refrain until it is sufficiently healed. Minimum healing time is around 3 months.

Fourchette: This piercing is placed at the bottom off your vaginal opening and exiting towards the anus. Designed so that both partners receive stimulation during intercourse. As it is placed closer to the anus, special care needs to taken during the healing process, keeping it clean and avoid toilet paper and underwear snags.

I decided to get the VCH (same day sex yo) it was a no brainer. I couldn’t wait to show it off, I called up my friend and asked her to come with me and hold my hand while the piercer stuck a needle in my cooch area, like any good friend she agreed. She drove me down in case I got lightheaded.

So we went into the private room and I dropped my panties, as a female we are always concerned about how things might look and smell down there, my piercer thought she would calm me down with some piercing horror stories, as you do, while she was poking and prodding down their she kindly informed me that I was anatomically perfect for that type of piercing so I decided to go ahead and just do it. I am sure my friend would’ve never in her life expected to see so much of me, but that’s what friends are for, she’s seen me as a drunken mess and now she’s seen me sober and naked. As everything was being sterilised and prepped I had a momentary freak out. I’M A FUCKING 30YR OLD MOM OF TWO! I WORK IN A PROFESSIOANL OFFICE! I DRIVE A MOM CAR! WHY THE FUCK IS MY COOCH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A TATTOO STUDIO?? But before I could pull my pants on and run away she was already coming at me with the clamp. So I figured what the hell, it’s only a hole, my cooch will recover. A sharp stab and some finangling later I was paying my $50 and exiting the tattoo shop with a very cheeky grin spread across my face. Once the outside I was still your average mom that wore yoga pants to the grocery store and did the school run, but the sex goddess on the inside was awakening. The first hint of my sex life changing was the drive home, being slightly swollen down there every bump would cause the area to tingle slightly, it was such a fun ride I was quite disappointed when my friend pulled into my driveway a few mins later, I was pretty sure that had the ride been five mins longer I would have been cleaning up her passenger seat.

So how did he respond? He complimented me, we had sex, I felt sexier but the sex was the same, afterwards I was disappointed, not in the piercing but the fact that his reaction was so luke warm.


Stay tuned for part two of this ridiculous facade and what I learned from it all.

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Elle

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