How to get your sub into subspace.
One of the key things that differentiates a skilled dom from an inexperienced dom is their recognition of the importance of subspace and their ability to get their subs there. Subspace is an essential component of building trust between a dom and a sub. As a sub, you should require your dom to be familiar with techniques to get you into subspace.
So what is subspace exactly? As a sensualist, I explore sexual intimacy from three perspectives: mind, body and soul. So, I define subspace as a state of being between a dom and sub brought on by a deep, intimate connection (spiritual subspace), sustained pain (physiological subspace), and a mental connection (psychological subspace). I have developed a holistic approach to subspace that incorporates all three of these perspectives that has been very effective for me, which I am sharing in this post.
The first stage of subspace is connection. Spiritual connection is hard to describe without seeming hokey, but simply put, did you have an indescribable connection with your partner when you first met them, and perhaps you’ve even described them as your soulmate? If so, you very likely have the basis of a spiritual connection; if not, you can still build connection through love and intimacy.
My approach to establishing spiritual subspace is to first block all external sensory stimuli by removing all distractions. Elle and I call this “cloud time”. We’ll make sure the room is quiet, pull a sheet over our heads, and then lay facing one another without saying a word; sometimes I will cup Elle’s face in my hands. I begin to regulate and synchronize my breathing with hers. We focus on each other’s eyes only (tip: focus on one eye to steady your gaze) and our gazes are steady. We will lay like this for a while and during this time I will think of the love that I have for Elle which helps me get in the mental state I need for later stages in the process. At this point, we will have established the first stage of subspace, spiritual subspace.
The next stage is essentially a form of meditation or hypnosis. I’ll start by placing my one hand gently around her neck as I describe a relaxing scene being as descriptive and visceral as I can. For example, I’ll ask her to imagine laying on a boat drifting on a river, feel the warmth of the sun and a cool breeze on her skin, hear the wind blow through the trees, and feel the boat gently drift as she floats away into a meditative state. Then tell her that I am her safe place and that she should release all her stresses and worries to me. If I know of specific things that cause her stress or anxiety I will make specific mention of them, and tell her to pass them to me. Towards the end of this stage, I will tell her that she must surrender herself to me and do all that I instruct. After each instruction, she must answer with a “yes, Sir” and if she fails to do so, I’ll gently squeeze her neck with my hand and remind her of good etiquette. Once she’s obedient and I believe she has freed her mind and is in psychological subspace, then I will move onto the next stage.
The third and final stage is one of the more fascinating aspects of subspace, and is also one that’s most frequently used approaches to subspace in the BDSM community, which involves the very careful use of pain. In my case, I use a cane, specifically a bundle of rattan canes bound together. I start by having her lay flat on her stomach with her arms by her side. Then I start very gently tapping her, at a very regular interval (about 100 strokes per minute), from her shoulders to the soles of her feet and back up to her shoulders. I will continue doing this repeatedly striking a little harder every time. Occasionally I will strike a little harder than normal and slow down the pace of my strikes, but then I’ll return to the regular rhythm and slowly increasing intensity. Her skin will turn red, become warm to the touch, and welts will form. The increasing level of pain creates a fight or flight response and releases natural chemicals into her system increasing her pain tolerance and creating a floating feeling. It’s quite surprising how much pain she is able to tolerate when in this hypnotic state. Her skin becomes alive with sensation so I will run my hands gently over her body to sooth her skin and gently bring her back out of subspace.
The most surprising thing, and what I love the most about subspace, is how wet she gets and how open she is for domination and obeying my command. It’s important to note that subspace is only the start of the overall experience, so you should have discussed follow-on scenes with your sub that you can transition to. In my experience, subspace lays the groundwork for some of the most intense, passionate sex. Also remember that all the other considerations of a scene are still important, even if you’re just exploring subspace techniques. Consent is ALWAYS important. Having a safe word is still important. Consider adopting a RAG system (red, yellow, green), especially if you’re new to caning, so your sub can communicate her pain level easily so you can adjust the strength or tempo of your strikes. And lastly, don’t forget aftercare - your sub will feel very vulnerable after she comes down from her hypnotic state and she will very likely have some bruising that you need to take care of.
Finally, while I have a three step approach to subspace by focusing on soul, mind, then body, it many experienced dom’s will use only focus on her mind and body, and it’s perfectly fine to even just take a single approach. The important thing is to do what works best for you and your partner. If you’re new to this, start simple and build up from there, and don’t administer pain if you don’t know how to do it properly.