It has been a year, a year since I made the change and truly stepped towards being an individual, a year since I made the changes to work towards letting go of my past and looking to my future. This year bought more changes to my life, my professional career, and my academic career.
This year I experimented with the idea of monogamy, I looked at the idea that maybe if I found someone I could love, maybe that little girl inside would find happiness and a place of contentment, I spent time looking inward and attempting to see what it was that I truly wanted. Was it love? Acceptance? Financial stability? Security?
I went on many dates with men that would enrich my life, men that could give me everything that I wanted, men that loved everything I have to offer. But time and time again I found myself feeling despair, why couldn’t I feel for these great guys like they felt for me? It was then I realized, what was missing was chemistry.
The invisible pull, the one the pulls the moon to the earth and the earth to the sun.
My therapist will tell me that losing the first love is hard to overcome, she will tell me that it is normal to have strong feelings for someone and that over time it will pass. But I question if love ever truly dies, does it ever go, can it really be transferred. Does the love you have for your child transfer to the next, we know the answer is no. If you lost your child you would always still love them? This is much like the love from a partner. It doesn’t ever disappear, we simply learn to manage it we learn to move on, and it is in our nature to seek to replace it.
I met a guy recently, a truly amazing man, we laughed, we were playful, we debated hot topics, and oh how he made me feel beautiful. I thought I hit the jackpot, the genuine kindness could be seen in his eyes. I wanted to let my walls down for him, I wanted to be what he deserved too. He deserved someone that looked at him like he looked at me. Never had two people seem so perfect for each other. But that person wasn’t me.
The pull that I needed to feel just didn’t exist, I didn’t wake up excited to see him, I didn’t want to make love every night, my heart didn’t flutter when I heard him speak or desire to breathe him in. He simply wasn’t my Ethan.
The guy who read me poetry at night, slow danced with me in the kitchen, pushed my boundaries until I felt I was freefalling. The guy who understood the balance between playfulness, seriousness, lust, passion, and of course love. The guy who’s mind was magnificent and spoke to me on an intellectual and intimate level. The guy whose eyes spoke a thousand words while his lips spoke none. Though I recognize that it wasn’t meant to be, I still look back and recognize that I loved him with a deep love that will always exist.
How lucky am I to have had the opportunity to love so deeply, so hard that not even the pain from the loss gave me an ounce of regret. How privileged was I to experience this and understand the words of the broken-hearted poets.
But in my search for monogamy, I realized that I was not being true to myself, I am a person that seeks the love of my primary but the passion of more. I had realized this during my time with Ethan and we explored it together, I had thought maybe this was just unique to us, but as he embarks on his new path with one. I came to realize that monogamy simply isn’t me. The understanding that one person could not give me all that I needed, the pressure I put on my relationships to be perfect is much like the pressure I put on myself. But much like my perfectly imperfect self, I recognize that I do not need to hold relationships with such high expectations. I just need that chemistry, that spark. The person that understands that there are no hard rules for relationships, there is simply honesty, openness, trust, and loyalty.