It’s goodnight...This line is from one of my favorite movies, and yes this is my announcement that it is goodnight for now. Many changes have happened in my life since the creation of Elleroc.com. My thoughts of how relationships should be have slightly changed but I continue to believe that intimacy is a key component to a successful relationship. Often times when we discuss sex so openly there's a stigma that can follow you, men assume you are easy, and women want to hide their partners from you. But one day, I hope that women who embrace their sexuality will not have to walk around shrouded in an aura of taboo and shame.
One day I hope to be able to announce myself to the world and say, this is me, look how boring and normal I am. I chose to share my sex life on line because curiosity always drove me to try new things, I knew that i wasnt the only one that was curious to explore her sensuality and I would have loved to read the experiences of someone else who was truly new to the scene. We listen to podcasts from seasoned swingers and we learn about what to look out for and where to go, but once you are seasoned, certain things that would have had you second guessing in the beginning are no longer an issue.
The beliefs we were raised with such as sex should be about love, women should be coy, women don’t dominate in the bedroom are still thoughts I suffer through whenever I contemplate another experience, the conflict inside my head between what I was taught to do and what I want to do is strong, and there is a level of shame and wonderment about whether or not I may do something that loses the respect of my partner. But of course there is the wild side of me that tells me Miss Goody two shoes wants to play, she wants to unleash the beast inside, there’s no denying that the route without shame is the route that people choose more often than not, myself included. I sometimes wonder if it did harm to my relationship with Ethan, if unleashing the beast caused a rift, not necessarily because of the action itself, but with the internal struggle I had and the aftermath of me needing the validation that I was still a wholesome person. Though it’s true that sometimes we made decisions on the moment that we shouldn’t have, thinking we would be pleasing the other partner but instead we forced ourselves to do something we didn’t want to and then inadvertently blamed the other partner for the outcome, it was still deeper than the surface level stupid decisions.
I have mentioned this before and I will say it again, communication is the only way we could have done this, and while we would have often overly communicated on many topics, there were subjects and situations we avoided talking about because we didn’t feel comfortable discussing them, always assuming the other person would take things the wrong way.
So after that tangent I wanted to take time to explain why I have decided to say goodnight, I have ended my chapter with Ethan and I have decided to take some time to explore celibacy and a life without a partner. I am optimistic about my future and focusing on returning to school while still working. I am essentially trading my sex life and blog for text books and academic papers. Maybe I will write a few blog posts and evolve Elleroc to be more about my life rather than just my sex life, it all depends on when I get the cravings to write. If anything I know that the extra schooling will mean my grammar and sentence structure will improve which I feel is a gift that all my readers can enjoy. But in all honesty, I am rather sad about taking this break, I do not want Elleroc to die, I feel like I have only explored the tip of the iceberg when it comes to sex and sensuality, there's so much more to explore and so little time. From time to time I may post articles about masturbation, self acceptance, and empowerment. (Yes, men, I can hear your groans from here) but while this blog has received much feedback from the males that enjoy hearing about my various sexcapaes, it was always intending to inspire the females who feel they may have lost some of their sexual identity. The moms who feel they have given their lives to their kids and have forgotten to take care of themselves or the woman who has been slut-shamed into behaving a certain way. I wanted to give them a voice, let them know that naughtiness isn't nastiness.
I don’t know how long my celibate stint will last, and just because I have decided to explore celibacy it doesn’t mean I am planning on becoming a nun, I have always said that being mindful and present in your own space is a great way to learn about yourself and what more could I want than to learn more about my sexual desires so when my next partner comes along I can teach them every way that gets me off. Love, sex, and self care has always began with yourself.
So to my amazing readers who followed my journey, to the ones that reached out to me via twitter and even to the ones that tried to get me to show my face on snapchat among other parts of my body, I thank you. But like I said at the beginning, this isn’t goodbye, it’s goodnight.