The question that has been on my mind recently is “Is love enough?” we are entering the season where Netflix is filled with romantic movies and every department store seems to be hawking the perfect gift for that someone special. But what happens when you love someone so much that it hurts, and when you feel let down by them it physically hurts and you find yourself doing things that are out of character, things that make you look and feel a sense of desperation, anything just to feel the comfort of your partners embrace again? Once the spiraling ends and you are once again seeing clear, its time ask yourself if the love you have for each other truly enough? Sometimes in relationships we have to accept that maybe it isn’t meant to be, when you cycle through the same issues again and again. At what stage is it time to say goodbye? I am not here to tell you the answer, but I am here to explore that within my own relationship with Ethan.
As a couple we have shared many ups and downs and I came to a time when I question if the juice is still worth the squeeze. We have endured a lot as a couple that have gone through divorces and we always felt we had learned from our past experiences and we had hoped that we had changed for the better but can we as humans truly change our behaviors or is it so ingrained into our personalities that we can only change the surface?
I cannot speak for Ethan but I can speak for myself, when I divorced, I truly thought I had a plan for myself, I thought I could change for the better and be the girlfriend that every guy desires, I tapped into my sensuality in a big way and discovered a part of myself that I didn’t know existed, while this opened my eyes to many new experiences, I also recently discovered that I am someone that craves the attention and approval of the person closest to me, during our recent fights I realized that I lost the connection with him that I once had, I felt despair and desperation but I also felt that once that connection was lost there was no point in trying to recapture it, it will never be the same. Yet somehow we would come back together and our cycle will start again.
Ethan and I had decided approximately a year ago that we would open our boundaries and explore the lifestyle, our biggest problem we had was we had different ideas of what an open relationship would look like, I had discussed this in a previous post but for those of you that are new to my blog. I basically wanted Ethan to be my primary and we would have fun with other couples we met at swinger parties, no information would be exchanged and we would have fun just for the evening, that is all. Ethan on the other hand wanted regular play couples that we could hang out with as well as share our intimate times with. For a while we tried to do both, while the random hookups worked most of the time, Ethan felt he needed a stronger emotional connection. We did talk to and meet a couple of couples and these experiences were not the most enjoyable for me so at the end of the day neither of us were truly satisfied. So we came to a stand still. The only reasonable option for us would be go solo...so we began a solo journey, this led to another round of issues as our ideas of solo also looked different. I still wanted Ethan as my primary and I would only seek outside attention when I didn't feel fulfilled, I had no intention of developing any form of emotional connection with any of these men, it was purely to be a sexual thing.
Ethan on the other hand felt he needed to develop a deeper connection with anyone he was to have relations with, this caused me to feel threatened and so our arguments ensued.
So for the first time in my life I know what it feels like to be in love with a person who isn't right for me, I saw this kind of relationship in the past and I always questioned why these people stayed in these kinds of relationships and now I know, sometimes you truly can't help who you fall in love with, now I understand, but I also know that even though being in love may not be a choice, being in a relationship is a choice and I have the choice to walk away. At this time I feel like that is the choice I have to make. Neither of us is being fulfilled by the arrangement and neither of us should feel compelled to compromise if we won’t be happy with the decision.
I need that relationship where I have my guy, I have his full attention when he’s with me, he is truly with me and not thinking about another woman, it hurts to the core to know that right now as I type this, he is likely on phone messaging another woman, I need a relationship where we can escape and be each other’s one and only. Where we have designated play time and fun but outside of that we have each other and it’s just us. I cannot expect that from someone who doesn’t want the same thing. So I hold no ill will towards Ethan for wanting something different.
I have always known that I demand a lot of attention from my relationships, I know that this kind of dynamic may be hard to find out there, a lot of guys think they want it but I describe myself like chocolate cake, you think you want it for every meal but after a while it all gets too much. At this stage of my life I don’t want to get into another full blown relationship but I know there’s other forms of relationships I will be open to in lieu of something as intense as I had with Ethan. I think the next few chapters will involve a series of causal relationships which should make for interesting posts.
Some may ask if I am willing to entertain causal relationships then why don't I just have a causal relationship with Ethan, the reason why I don't is because I emotionally can't, I have a guy that I love but cannot fulfill my needs not because he doesn't want to but because they conflict with his own needs. We are simply on different paths.
Here I am at the cusp of starting a new journey, starting all over again and I wonder where it will take me, will I have the courage to put myself out there again and eventually fall in love or will I have a series of empty relationships and never allowing myself to fall in love again because it’s the safer route. I guess only time will tell. I have always envied the people who fall in love easily and allow themselves to get hurt time and time again, some people may see it as being silly to fall so easily, but I see the courage they possess when they put themselves out there. When I get in this mode of thinking I often think of Brene Brown and the feeling of vulnerability, some people simply possess the strength to know that when they fall they will be able to pick themselves up again. I truly envy that about people.
So I guess I answered my own question, it took me a while but I finally realized that love and happiness are not synonymous, and in my case being in love has led to a lot of pain. Still, I wouldn’t have changed my years with Ethan for anything and I do wish that he finds his balance and his happiness. What is next for me? I don’t know. I hope that I will have enough material to keep writing my blog, I am not ready to close the door on my sexual exploration so I guess I just need to find my next partner in crime.