Over Thanksgiving break I sat with my family and binged watched “My 600lb Life” We all picked up on a common theme which was many of the people featured where subjected to various forms of sexual trauma as children. Everyone knows that as individuals we will process our traumas and struggles differently, the participants on the show
merely opted for food as their coping mechanism, they literally wore their trauma on their body as a protective suit to ward off any other potential predators.
I myself was a victim of molestation, though not as extreme as others I have read about, mine still affected me in ways that took me years to understand. My molestation happened between the ages of 4-6, it did not happen on a regular basis but I specifically remember three occasions, the first time he touched me outside of my underwear, I didn’t know it was a bad thing but I did walk away from him. Another time he literally lured me to him with candy and as I stood by him he slipped his hand in my underwear and stroked my private parts, I know there was other times it happened but I don’t recall too much. I remember the last time. The family friend had come to visit and my mother had left the room to make a call in another room, as she was on the phone he called me over, when I approached he had his penis out and he took my hand and made me touch it, I remember thinking it was an odd color and it was warm and limp. I quickly pulled my hand away and left the room. Even at that age I knew it didn’t feel right but I didn’t know that what happened was wrong.
When I think about my past, I realize that my exploration into sexuality started at a young age, much younger than any of my peers, it was a curiosity that did not lead me to being promiscuous but it did lead me to a form of self-hate which combined with comfort eating and abusive parents caused a traumatic childhood. I don't know how much of it I can equate to my molestation or if it just set off a series of events that led me to where I am today. By the time I was a teen I had realized that what I had experienced was wrong, but rather than be the victim in my narrative, I made myself the villain, I convinced myself that since I went to him and I allowed it to happen, I was the one who caused this to happen to me, I was the bad person. I refused to acknowledge that he was the adult and I was the child. My self hate did cause me to comfort eat and while I never became a potential candidate for weight loss shows I did become a target for my parents disdain, as a teenager I was intolerable, I dressed provocatively and I would fight and argue with anyone. My parents hated me and reminded me often, I was told I was ugly, fat, useless and I would never amount to anything. All this I believed, however my parents hates was nothing compared to how much I could hate myself. I always felt that I didn't let my parents abuse or the molestation define me and for a long time I suppressed the old memories and what I couldn’t suppress I used to drive me. I was going to prove to everyone that I could succeed.
The decade after college was a time when I felt I was proving that I was able to move beyond my traumatic childhood, I got a stable job, I married, I had two children, I still wore some emotional scars that would affect me during times of stress but ultimately I was functioning like a perfectly normally adult.
This all came crashing down after I had my second child, a girl. One time her bus was late dropping her off from school and I fell into a panic thinking she had been abducted. Her bus was simply late because they had a substitute driver that took a wrong turn. But at that moment I realized that my molestation was not my fault. How could my adult brain expect my four year old brain to comprehend what was happening. After that I began the journey to forgiving myself for trauma I went through. I eventually reached out to my sister who recalled another family friend that it had experienced the same thing by the same person, I discovered that the way I processed the experience was to turn myself into a ticking time bomb of self hate, the other girl chose a different route, she too became defiant but chose promiscuity over anger as her form of coping.
Fast forward some more years and I am now divorced and exploring kink and other BDSM, with my aggressive and forward personality I was a natural domme and also naturally dominant outside of the bedroom, I always felt like I needed to be in control. However, there was something about being submissive that always had an allure, and even when I desired to be submissive the mental block of not being in control was too much for me to handle, to this day I maintain control when I switch, and the moment my mind senses a feeling of uneasiness I will say the safe word and my partner would back off.
When it came to fantasies I have always had some darker ones and I never knew if they were linked to childhood trauma or if I would have had these fantasies regardless. For instance one of my fantasies has always been to have group sex, where I am the only female and the men take turns using me, this has nothing to do with anything I experienced as a child. Another fantasy of mine is role play CNC (consensual non-consent), I am not a medical professional but I am sure some will consider this fantasy to be a direct result of my childhood but who is to say for sure, I cannot even answer that myself.
When I do consider my role play CNC fantasy and break it down, I can make some connections to my experience, I always want to play the role of a younger girl, not child age but probably teenage years, 16 or 17 years old. I want my perpetrator to be someone familiar like a family friend, uncle, or someone in a position of power like a doctor, boss or policeman. I want to resist but not be physically hurt. Sometimes I wonder if by reliving this I am changing the way I view my past but logic and common sense tells me that no matter how much I redo the scene it will never change my past. At the same time the scene is appealing to me because I am forced to temporarily give up control of my overly controlled life, and that is a theme and fantasy that I see among many people who lead stressful lives. So what is it? Am I trying to change the way I view my memories or am I trying to de-stress? Or is it simply a combination of both?
The question may never be answered. While scientific studies support a correlation between sexual trauma and deviant behavior, there are many adults that have had very bog standard upbringings that are also drawn to the kink world. There are also adults who have experienced some very traumatic childhoods and go on to lead vanilla lives, so the answer is never black and white. It all boils down to how we process our trauma, whether we face it, suppress it, eat it, and fuck ourselves out of it, every individual has their own coping mechanisms.
As with the majority of my fantasies this one exists purely in my mind, finding someone who will want to indulge me in this kind of roleplay CNC is a whole other ball game, When I broached the subject with Ethan he wasn’t receptive, mostly because the concept was too realistic for him to fulfill. But if I do find someone who wants to engage in that form of play how will I respond? I would wonder why they enjoyed that fantasy. Do they harbor some kind of sick desire for underage girls? Would it trigger a fear in me that I had long suppressed? Those are reasons why I would never solicit strangers to fulfill dark fantasies and why I encourage my readers to first build trust in a person before they can trust them with their secrets.