Updated: Aug 13
In the kink world rarely do I hear the world sensualist thrown around, Ethan and I had both described ourselves as sensualists on many occasions and as we have been exploring the dating world as non monogamous singles again the question of “what does it mean to be a sensualist?” has been asked to us many times over by both men and women.
For myself, being a sensualist is someone who is in touch with their inner self, someone who feels that sex goes beyond the simple goal of an orgasm, its about the journey two (or more) people take together, and the time they spend together post coitally.
There always seems to be a fear within the casual dating world that an emotional connection during sex will lead to falling in love. But there is a huge difference between making love and falling in love. I can make love to someone without being in an official relationship with them. I can make love to my FWB, but I understand the importance of establishing boundaries before any naked play happens. Having just come out from a long term relationship, the last thing I want to do is fall into another one, but it doesn't mean that I have to deprive myself of one of the bodies natural highs and that is the flood of endorphins you get when you connect with someone on an emotional and physical level.
I’m aware that all this airy fairy talk may be off putting to my readers that prefer my scandalous stories, I’m not trying to portray myself laying in the missionary position while my lover slowly penetrates me. I am all for the fast and fun, but its the mixing of love making and fucking the shit out of each other that makes a great sensualist.
So how do I achieve it? The sensualist side of me is usually more subdue the first time I am with someone, this is because I am getting to know their body just as they are getting to know mine. I watch for cues indicate the things they enjoy. Luckily for us women that deal with mostly men, we know we’ve hit the sweet spot because mens bodies tend to show a physical response to certain touches whereas with women it can be harder to spot, some women have a bad habit of faking enjoyment meaning their partners may never know if they’re on the right track or completely lost in the woods. So the following is a breakdown of things to remember.
Eye Contact: The eyes are considered the portal to the soul, what happens when you are touching a women and you find that perfect spot her eyes will widen and her pupils dilate, maintaining eye contact is not only the most sensual way to connect but it is also the best way to know that you're doing something good. If I am ever with someone who cannot or will not make eye contact then I know that I am simply a means to an end and I don’t waste my time on those people again.
Lips: Everything starts with a kiss (at least I hope it does) being a good kisser is probably the highest importance in my books, if you can’t kiss then you sure as hell better be willing to learn. Lips have the unique ability to be soft and strong, playful, delicate, intense, sexy. Alternating between soft gentle kisses and intense makeout sessions enhances all the senses, it takes a decent kiss to new heights. Yes it prolongs getting down to business but that's what it's designed to do.
Touch: I recently dropped a note on my fetlife account about enjoying the simple act of having my breasts cupped, to a person that needs intensity or impact to feel pleasure this may seem like an asinine act, for me having another male or female gently cupping my breasts not only gives me pleasure it gives me a surprising amount of comfort, I enjoy the feeling of a hand softly caressing my breast, running down the small of my back, stroking my arm, tracing my jawline or my fingers. These soft sensations that draw my attention to each body part making the experience feel all inclusive, so often people forget that there is more to sex than just pussies and cock.
Breath and Sounds: A wonderful thing I learned through tantric sex is to match your partners breathing, and once its aligned if you want your partner to slow down you can slow their breath by slowing yours, its a simple tecnique that just aligns another part of your beings as you explore each other.
Sex: I openly admit that there have been many occassions where I have just wanted to be fucked and to be fucked hard, and yes I have no problem voicing it. But the penetration itself isn't necessarily the most important aspect...at least for women it isn’t. About 75% of women do not climax through penetration alone, so while you are doing the three min push ups or humping from behind make sure you are applying other physical stimulation, clitoral stimulation, eye contact, kissing, teasing the nipples, every woman is different and what works for one wont work for all.
Misconception about being a sensualist: That we only like vanilla sex...that is so far from the truth its laughable. Being a sensualist is about savouring each moment and being aware of not only your body but also your partners. I still love impact play, I still enjoy the sting of a crop, restraints and blindfolds, I enjoy sensory deprivation, hot and cold play etc. The key is to take your time and enjoy the build, enjoy the tease, the journey and of course the act itself.
Final thing to note:
Aftercare: If you are simply parting ways once (Hopefully) both parties is done then you are missing a very important component to this, and that is aftercare, even if sex is vanilla, the release of endorphins is a great opportunity to continue a little more of that bonding, whether it be post coital snuggling, falling asleep together or simply discussing the experience. Ensuring that your partner is leaving satisfied and happy is of utmost importance. No one wants to do the walk of shame, they want the walk with a “that was fucking amazing” grin on their face.